**A note on this series. If you have decided to not use digital media or to not play video games in your family, and that works for you. Great! This series is intended to help families more like mine, who have kids (and husbands) that love to play video games and watch movies. It's for families who don't want technology to be a source of contention in their home, and still want to make values-based choices to create healthy boundaries. If that's you, read on! And I hope you'll share with anyone else who is looking for this help.
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"Can we go home now?" My son asked as we were playing with friends at the park.
"Why do you want to leave now?" I asked, genuinely curious because he seemed to be having fun.
"It's almost three o'clock," he replied.
Everything became clear. Screen Time. Three o'clock was when screens were allowed at our house. He knew it. And he counted down to it. Nothing else mattered when three o'clock rolled around. Not friends, cousins, playgrounds, ice cream. Okay, maybe ice cream. But not many of the other things in life that are usually enjoyable and meaningful.
Does this sound familiar? This is where my family was a couple years ago. I worried my kids were addicted because that's what the internet told me. I wished we had never started with video games because it felt like it was the end-all-be-all of my kids' existence. Asking your kid to play an extra 30 minutes at the park before he can have screen time feels a lot like saying he needs to finish his french fries before he can have ice cream. Something felt wrong to me.
At this same time, I was homeschooling my kids and felt very passionate about interest-based learning. I could see how giving kids freedom to learn things through their natural interests was a better path to real and lasting learning, and yet, I found myself asking, but what if their interest is Minecraft? What if it's Legends of Zelda? What if it's Roblox or cat videos on YouTube?
I started looking for a better way to handle screen time in our family. The first concept that really shifted things for me was the idea of abundance. The way I describe an abundance model is that we have plenty of time, money and energy to do what is most important. The second step to that, of course, is to decide what is important--what is worthy of your time, money and energy. Because the truth is, we don't have unlimited resources, but what we do have is the ability to CHOOSE how to use our resources, to CHOOSE to get more of those resources, and the opportunity to make different choices today than we did yesterday.
My family was operating very much from a scarcity model. My kids had limited time available to do something they really loved. Additionally, they knew I was the gatekeeper of that scarce opportunity and it could go away at any time. ("No screen time for a week!" was a normal, albeit sometimes empty, threat at our house) They knew it was scarce, and so they treated it like a valuable thing, and arguably, like the MOST valuable thing. Ironically, I was the one treating it like it's valuable when I myself didn't value video games at all!
So how do you shift to an abundance model? The first thing I did was to shift myself into an abundance model. I used the mantra, "I have enough time, money and energy to do what is most important today." Then I would pray and meditate to discern what was most important in that day. Surprisingly, the things that came to me weren't things like make sure the kids don't play too many video games. I think that's because that feeling also comes from a scarcity model--the one that says childhood is short and you need to not waste it on video games. Video games don't prepare you for adulthood and a paycheck, yada yada. (We will touch more on that notion later in this series.)
What DID come to me:
- Connect with your kids
- Read with your kids
- Find a way to spend one on one time with your kids
- Meet your own needs and help the kids meet theirs (take care of your physical and mental health)
- Ask your oldest about his friendships and how you can help
- Get outside today, and invite your kids
- Make time for family prayer
I started to discover that I myself was operating from a scarcity model in my own life. I noticed how often I was telling my kids, "We don't have time for that." "Your time is almost up." "Hurry or you'll miss it." Now, obviously kids are learning time management so I'm not suggesting that you act like time doesn't tick on, or tell your kids they have all the time in the world when really the event starts with or without them in 15 minutes. Instead, the shift is into autonomy and agency. Yes, time will tick on, AND we GET to choose how we spend it. And video games are one of MANY things we like to do, and we can make time for ALL the things we value.
How I've helped my kids shift into an abundance mindset regarding video games and device usage: Make it abundantly clear that the games and the shows aren't going anywhere! This sounds like:
* "We are leaving for the park in 10 minutes. The video games will be here when you get back. The video games are always here. The park is only happening now. Are you choosing park or video games? What do you need to do to be ready to leave for the park?"
* "Video games are always here. This friend is only available to play right now. Are you choosing friend or video games?"
* "I'm ready to read stories right now and then I'm going to bed. That show will still be available to watch tomorrow. If you want to read stories with me, that opportunity is ending in five minutes. Which do you choose?"
* "This game will still be here tomorrow. How will you know you're done with this game for today?"
* "We don't have any commitments this afternoon. Would you like to spend it reading, watching a movie, playing a video game, or doing an art project?" (You might get video games as the only response for a while, but putting it on the same level as all the other things your family enjoys is the first step in shifting to an abundance model.)
* "Video games are not more important than family (or fill in the blank value). If we can't treat one another kindly while we use them, we will have to turn them off and take a break." (This in place of threatening removal of screen time privileges for fighting. It teaches what the family values without making the video games feel scarce. I would say this about removing any toy that kids are fighting over, so it feels more genuine and more like a natural consequence)
That brings me to the best result of an abundance model that I've seen in my family. A reduction in fights! Because video games don't feel scarce, my kids don't engage in them from a place of anxiety. They don't feel like they have to "get their time" at the expense of their relationships with one another, so when they play, they take turns and enjoy watching one another play. And when it's time to get off, it's really not a big deal. They even hop off quickly to do things like put their dish in the dishwasher or help me when I ask.
In this series, I will share with you the things I've learned by removing screen time limits at my house. Yes, you read that correctly. We don't track the amount of time we use devices. And let me tell you, I love not being the screen time monitor! This doesn't mean we don't have boundaries around technology use. But removing the time limits has allowed us to focus instead on what I think actually matters--the content, the things we are actually doing on the screens and whether or not they add value to our lives, and also, making time for ALL the things we do value. Whether you want to remove screen time limits, or you just want to have fewer fights in your home over technology, these mindset shifts will help you do it! You can follow my podcast or my blog to get this whole series.
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