For most of this series, I've talked about all the ways I've tried to embrace my children's love of video games. However, I do still believe strongly that our children need mentoring as they learn to lead a healthy life. Heck! I still need mentoring for a healthy balanced life, which is why I listen to so many podcasts and read so many books.
So here's the crux. Our digital devices are designed to keep our attention. With a board game, there is a clear "ending" when someone wins. You must decide what to do next. You can choose to play a new game or play that one again, or do something totally different. But the "end" of the activity causes our brains to consider options and make a choice about how to use our time. If you're my age or older, you will remember that TV shows for kids used to have natural stopping points. You simply ran out of shows that interested you. Eventually there was just news or infomercials to watch, and when we lost interest in that screen, we found something else to do. Kids today (and adults) are not growing up with clear "stopping points" in our media consumption. A chapter in a book is a stopping point. The end of an episode could be a stopping point, but anyone who has binge watched a whole season of a show knows that our streaming services are bottomless. We don't come to the end of a newspaper anymore because we can easily look at more and more news online. Social media feeds are the same. And video games are definitely no exception.
Because we lack stopping cues in our digital media, we can lose track of time in screen activities, which makes it hard to keep a boundary on our online consuming: scrolling, streaming, gaming, shopping etc. This is hard for our fully developed adult brains, so I'm not naive enough to think that children can manage this on their own. Our brains are dopamine-seeking and they will continue to search for novelty, and the internet is all too happy to produce novelty for hours on end. Becoming intentional with the wealth of opportunities we have at our fingertips is one of the greatest challenges of our modern lives I think--and we are literally learning how to do it alongside our children.
So since these stopping cues aren't naturally occurring, we have to create them for ourselves. Some people do this with time limits. I've already explained how getting rid of time limits has benefited our family in previous posts. But I have found other ways to help our family become more mindful and make intentional choices about how long we play games or watch shows.
One of the best tools I've found for this is the question, "How will you know when you're done?" I learned this question from @The GamerEducator on Instagram, who I highly recommend. Just tonight I asked this question to my 5 year old son while he was on Minecraft. I needed his help watching his little sister and he was upset when I asked him to get off because he was trying to figure out how to spawn a sheep. I said, I can help you find the sheep egg and then can you help me by playing with your sister? He agreed, so we found the spawn egg together, and he started spawning sheep. I said, how will you know you're done so you can start playing with your sister? He said he could finish when he spawned the sheep and the horse, and he did. He turned it right off. "How will you know when you're done?" is an empowering question. And it works for both children and adults when it comes to creating stopping cues for our bottomless digital media.
I'll be done with Instagram when I check these three accounts. I'll be done after 15 minutes on this app. I will know I'm done when I've built one more room on my castle.
I also find it helpful to have certain "unplugged" times of day or days of the week, to hold space for other interests and goals.
So what do you do if you feel like your child truly is spending too much time on screen activities? Well, so far I've shared the following suggestions:
Curiously investigate to see what value your child's digital activities DO and DON'T provide. This looks like watching them play or playing with them, and asking lots of questions in a curious and non-judgmental way.
Find ways to carve out space in your daily and weekly rhythms for the kinds of activities that screen interests won't provide: i.e. physical activity, time in nature, quiet/reflective/spiritual time, practicing other talents such as sports or music or art, family time, etc.
Ask yourself, "what would I rather they be doing right now?" Then find ways to make those activities part of their routines.
Use themes of the day to help make intentional choices about device usage, such as create and experiment, learn more about or get better at, and social/community.
You know that anxious feeling that creeps up when you think your child has spent too much time using a screen? The guilt that says you're a bad mom for allowing this, or the fear that says your child's future is in jeopardy? I'd like to suggest a question to ask yourself when you start to feel that way. Close your eyes and ask yourself, "What does this sound like?" Sometimes it sounds similar to make-believe superhero play or lego building. Sometimes it sounds like curiosity, experimenting and problem-solving: "what happens when I do this?" "Try this!" "Hey! I figured out how to make such and such!"
Sometimes it sounds like any number of collaborative, creative or experimental play activities.
I recommend this question, not only to help you justify your decisions to your inner critic. But to help you see what your kids actually love about their video games. Because if you know what they love, you can start helping them find those experiences off screens. I am going to share with you some suggestions that I have found to be successful alternatives to my kids' screen activities. Please note, however, this is not to suggest that you become the party planner of your children's lives. I definitely don't do that. In fact, I believe kids need lots of unstructured time. Where I think I may differ from some people is that I consider the computer a tool that can be used in unstructured play, just as I would allow art supplies, legos or rocks and sticks.
Consider your playscape, and compare it to how you offer food options in your home. Research shows that to help children create a healthy relationship with food, we should offer them options and give them the freedom to choose which foods and how much. If we apply this to play, we as parents decide which play tools are available and leave it to the child to decide which tools to use and how much. So if you would like to flesh out your playscape with non-screen options that might pique the interest of your game-loving child, let me suggest these ideas:
WHAT YOUR CHILD LOVES ABOUT VIDEO GAMES and HOW TO HELP THEM FIND IT OFF SCREEN:
Exploring fantasy worlds and fantasy storylines: Introduce fantasy books through family read-alouds and audio books. Many of our favorites are listed here on my website. You can also explore fantasy art and fantasy mapmaking. There are many tutorials on YouTube.
Creativity, freedom to test out their own ideas: Try giving a little more space for free exploration in the kitchen (making "potions" and their own "recipes"), science labs (get a book from the library or look one up online), set up a crafting space with supplies that are freely available, or introduce woodworking with some simple nails, screws, hammer and screwdriver and some wood scraps.
Mental challenge: Some kids love solving puzzles in their video games. In fact, the most popular newer games drop you in a new world with very little instruction about what your objective is. They have to wander around piecing together who their character is, why they are there, and what they need to do. There are many strategic board games that I've found to catch the interest of my video game loving kids. There is a list of them here on my website.
Socializing in a "safe" environment: One study suggested that up to 75% of gamers have social anxiety. If your child is playing online games, this could be their preferred way of socializing because it feels safe. If your child is playing video games socially in person, it also could be that it feels safer. With video games, they know what to expect, they understand the rules, etc. For this swap, I recommend family playdates. This can be simple--meet up at the park, invite families over for board games, host a pie night or a potluck, or start putting lawn chairs out in your front yard and invite neighbors over. Give your child opportunities to socialize with you nearby and let them choose how they spend their time in those situations. If they want to sit by you the whole time and observe (or sulk), let them.
Freedom to explore: We've touched on this, but this swap is about cultivating outdoor adventures. Go for a walk and let them choose what direction to go. You could do it on a drive too, or take a ride on your city bus. Get out in the mountains or visit a river, State Park or National Park. Build these kinds of adventures into your rhythm so you don't feel overwhelmed by the planning.
Adventure: The best place to find non-screen adventure for video game lovers is tabletop role playing games. I have several recommendations here on my website, including one that is a pen and paper game in a book! (Hello, reading and writing in an adventure, yes please!)
Working with real-life machines (the computer): As would be age-appropriate, give access to other tools such as power tools, sewing machines, kitchen tools, 3D printer, building a computer, etc. Many libraries now have maker spaces where you can go learn and use the 3D printers, laser cutters, and laser printers, just paying the cost of materials.
Challenge and Achievement: This is tricky because we often don't see merit in digital achievement, but the thing is, accomplishing a goal is a confidence boost no matter what realm you set your goal in. The benefit isn't so much in WHAT they achieve, but in learning the PROCESS of ACHIEVING: did they research how to get past a tricky boss? Did they look up how to download mods for Minecraft? Did they watch a tutorial to learn a new skill? Are they teaching what they know to siblings or friends?
Nonetheless, I have observed that video games give a lot more dopamine hits along the path of achieving a goal, and require less "boring" work to accomplish the goal. So it's important that kids get experience with real-life projects as well. But these projects need to be self-chosen and as much as possible, self-directed. I have some suggestions for how this is done, but I will save it for a future post.
For a handy visual about these swaps, check out my post on Instagram at our_houseoflearning. And for the lists of book and game recommendations, check out my learning resources page on my website, or DM me on Instagram or my website. I'm always happy to help!
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