I'm a dancer. I started ballet at age 10 and fell in love. I gave so much time to ballet. The studio was my favorite place to be, and when I couldn't be in class or rehearsal, or teaching a class, I was hanging out with the friends I made at ballet. At home, I watched the videos of my old performances. I seriously couldn't get enough.
I've only learned recently that when I started at age 10, my mom hoped I would grow out of this interest. She thought dance was "frivolous," to use her words. She worried I was developing a talent that couldn't really be used in valuable ways--making money, paying bills, getting college scholarships, or church service, I think were the things she found valuable at the time. Now, I had no idea she felt this way, all growing up--she kept that judgment to herself. She's only now told me as an adult to share her surprise about all the ways dance has blessed my life.
I did indeed get scholarships for dance, tried a year out on my own in a professional ballet company, which led to some tremendous personal growth, got a college degree in it, have taught it for years and used that income to support myself, and then a family, and dance has continued to lead me to my closest friendships, many travel opportunities, and it has been the best lifelong emotional and creative outlet for me, not to mention my favorite form of exercise. I, of course, see so much value in dance at this point in my life that it sort of blew my mind to learn that my mom had been worried about my starting it.
I've pondered my mom's decision to keep her opinions to herself. What might have happened if she had shared her concerns with me? Would I have missed out on all that dance had to offer, or would I have chosen to distance myself from my mom in order to stick with my passion? I'm grateful that even though my mom's worldview hadn't included dance as a valuable use of time, I don't have any memories of her really discouraging me or expressing disagreement with my interest.
So what does this story have to do with screen time? Let's talk value judgments. It's hard as a parent to stay open and curious with our kids. We don't want to mess up as parents and we want to give them the best start in life. So we lean on our understanding of what is a "good" use of time, and try to help our kids manage their time by filling it with all the things we find good and valuable.
Looking back on my own growing up years, I can see now that college scholarships and resume-building activities were my north star. I wanted to dance professionally so that got a big chunk of time, but I also wanted college as a plan B, and every adult around me said, this class or this activity will look good on your resume or your scholarship application. So those things got the rest of my time. So in my motherhood, what do I naturally use to measure the worthiness of an activity? Will this look good on a resume? Will this get you into college, or even better, a scholarship to college? Can this become a career?
Well, so far in our society, killing the boss on Legend of Zelda doesn't rank high on resumes or college scholarship applications. So this passion of my own 10-year-old hasn't gotten the benefit of the doubt like my mom gave me. It got me thinking about why I love dance, what value it actually provides me, and then getting more curious about my kids' interests.
Here are a few things I have discovered:
It is okay to do something just because you enjoy it. In fact, having things we enjoy doing is one of the ways to protect mental health.
You can learn many things following your interests, and those things can lead you to new interests and new skills on your path to self-discovery and self-actualization.
All interests, hobbies, passions meet *some* need or needs, but none of our interests, hobbies, or passions will meet ALL of our needs.
If my children's interests aren't supported in my home, they will either "sneak" it or go somewhere else to find it, neither of which I want in my relationship with my kids.
The best place and time for my kids to learn self-regulation around technology is while they are young and in my home because the stakes are lowest now.
So I started getting curious. Ballet certainly met many needs for me as a child and teen, but it didn't meet them all. Is it possible that video games are meeting a need or needs for my boys? Surely it's just mindless entertainment, right?
I already shared what I learned when I tried playing Minecraft with them (read that here). It was definitely meeting their need for creativity, freedom to explore, working together on projects, testing out their own ideas, and learning to use a tool (the computer) to create something from their imagination. My oldest was also taking an interest in learning some of the more "advanced" applications and started looking up tutorials to do downloads and commands, etc. Definitely he was learning some computer literacy.
The next game I observed was Legend of Zelda. Because I have three boys, what caught my attention in this game was that each of them plays this game differently, and it speaks so much to their unique personalities. I'm going to reveal my video game ignorance here but I'll attempt to generally describe Legend of Zelda. It is an open world (called a sandbox game) where you can pretty much go anywhere and do whatever you want. There are quests along the way and battles you can opt in or out of.
For my oldest, who loves reading long fantasy novels (short books aren't fascinating enough he says), he wants to discover every part of the world, and do every possible quest so he doesn't miss any part of the story. This is unlike his dad who tries to play the game as efficiently as possible to prepare for the final battle and then beat the game.
My second son is creative and adaptable and loves to be silly. In Zelda, he often hasn't made it to any challenges or quests when his turn ends because he spent the whole time doing silly things with Linc's "gluing" power (I'm sure there's a better name for that). He will try every silly idea someone suggests to him.
And my youngest was playing it with his dad recently, and I was surprised he had all the ideas for how to solve the challenges. You had to build a structure that would help you carry an item out of a trap basically, and my little fort-building, lego and magna-tile loving 5 year old saw all the pieces his dad should try piecing together to build the solution. His older brothers said, ya, he usually has good ideas so we always try his ideas.
That brings me to another value I've discovered. Video games are just games. Some games take a long time like Monopoly and some games are fast like Uno. But video games seem to bridge age gaps better than most board games I've tried. As far as "family fun", I still only join because it connects me with my kids, but they definitely can be a tool for living that value.
So when we first lifted time limits on screen use at our house, I had to work through a lot of anxiety, which is why I started digging to see what value these games were providing.
I spent HOURS in the ballet studio every single day but Sunday. But it had natural limits--classes and rehearsals were only at certain times. My body would get physically tired. I knew that video games wouldn't have the same natural limits. They are always there as long as electricity and internet are there. So when we first started, I instituted a natural limit by unplugging the internet in the mornings. We don't keep track of how long we are on devices, but we do carve out times of day and of the week where devices aren't accessible.
Second, my husband suggested a handy question to me whenever my anxiety was rising about the amount of "screen time" they were doing: "What would you rather they be doing right now?"
This is a clarifying question for me because it put "play" in better perspective for me. When my kids are "playing" it can look like many things. The first question is, do I value play? And if so, are there certain kinds of play that are more valuable than others? If there are certain activities that I want my kids to have in their day, I need to make space for those specific things.
For example, video games can provide a lot of opportunities for cooperative play, creative play, strategic planning. But they do NOT provide my kids with much physical play or much time in nature. So I made space for those two things. I try not to link "outside time" or "physical play" to "earning" time on devices because that puts technology back on a pedestal. Instead, I carved out time for things we all enjoy that meet these other needs--a weekly park day, family walks in the evenings, meals outside, weekly outdoor adventures like hikes and lake visits, camping trips, etc. I also tried to start with me by finding more opportunity to go outside myself, and interestingly, my kids almost always join me when invited. I water the garden, go for walks, take outside breaks for books, cold drinks or popsicles (that one is of course the easiest way to get my kids out). Going outside of their own choosing encourages them to get lost in their play out there rather than "putting in time" to get to their devices.
Other areas that might be neglected by video games but valued by parents:
Personal responsibility (housework, hygiene, keeping commitments)
Spiritual growth
Other talents and skills done off screen
Academic pursuits
I will say a word about this specific area because it can get tricky when it comes to technology. There are a lot of "educational" apps and games out there--for reading, math, science, even music, you name it. My kids have tried a lot of them. I used to separate "Educational" screen time from other screen use. However, when I got curious, I discovered that on the "Educational" games, they were spending a lot of their time in the "build your avatar" or "decorate your house" areas and not much time working on the skills I thought they were practicing. On the other hand, I realized that my emerging reader was reading a ton of words on games I considered non-educational, and my older son was learning all kinds of things on his non-educational games including sound editing, basic chemistry concepts, math, writing and computer coding. I love a quote from Peter Gray's book, Free To Learn. He says, "When children are free to play, they naturally play at the ever-advancing edges of their mental and physical abilities." Consider that as you curiously watch your kids playing in all the many ways they play this week.
To summarize, if you are thinking you want to take the leap to removing screen time limits, or if you are just wanting to move away from power struggles over screens, get clear about your values. Observe curiously to discover the values your kids' activities already meet, and then make space for what isn't coming to them naturally. The best part about this is a reduction in MOM GUILT! Next time your kids are happily gleaning all of the positive things that come from their video games, you can also happily work on something that YOU value and need, and trust that the other parts of life they aren't getting now have a home in your schedule and calendar.
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