Why our family doesn't call it "Screen Time"
I know. I know. I'm calling this series "Making Peace with Screen Time." But the truth is, our family doesn't use that term anymore.
Here's why.
My friend sent me a reel today, and it was messaging I’ve seen so many times.
“Studies have shown that screen usage is linked to suicide ideation. Studies show that children using screens more than one hour a day have an increased chance of suicide.”
These statistics are scary. They have led me to make many fear-based decisions in my family about how we use screens. I’ve wished we just didn’t have them sometimes.
But here’s my concern. There are SO many things we do on screens. So when we say “screen time” and when we study the effects of time on screens, is it the screen itself, like the light from the screen causing these mental health challenges? Or is it the specific activity we are doing on the screens? Do these studies take into account the overall layout of the subjects’ lives? What are they doing on screens? And what are they doing when they are not on screens? How are their family relationships, their friendships? Do they contribute to their family in meaningful ways? How much time do they spend in nature? What is their relationship with God or how do they connect with something bigger than themselves?
I’m not denying we have a mental health crisis in our country. And absolutely we need to look closely at possible causes, and then adjust accordingly how we live our lives. But I also think that when we attribute our mental health crisis to the blanket term "screens," we are not getting a clear enough picture to be able to make effective changes in our behavior. Instead, we get a lot of messaging that recommends limiting the amount of time using screens, and not enough discussion about HOW we use them, and HOW we live life off screen in order to protect children’s mental health. Additionally, how do we live our modern fast-paced life, meeting all of its seeming demands without using screens? How can we slow down or change our expectations so we don't feel so reliant on screens?
These questions seemed important, so in order to start asking those instead, we stopped calling it screen time. The term screen time is dismissive. It says that all activities done using a screen fall under one lump category and are of equal value, which in most cases, adults consider to be of very little value. This is why generally, parents don’t call what they do on screens “screen time.” We see value in our screen use. We work on screens, we socialize, we communicate. Even a show or a game on a screen might feel more justifiable to an adult because it’s self-care, a needed break or a good show. The truth is, kids also have a variety of ways they can use screens, some of which even adults would find value in. But when we lump it all under “screen time,” and especially when we assume it’s all a waste of time, it’s not conducive to our getting curious about what our kids are actually doing on those screens.
So get curious. Now curiosity is not the same as monitoring. Monitoring is indeed important, but curiosity goes beyond mere monitoring. Curiosity isn’t just about WHAT they are playing or watching, but WHY they are doing it, and HOW they do what they do. Why did you choose this particular game or show? What makes it fun? What makes it challenging? Who is your favorite character? Can you show me how to play this?
When I was first introduced to this idea, I tested it out in a few ways. The first was my then 4- year-old who loved watching shows. One of his most favorite activities was picking up DVDs from the library and watching episodes of cartoons. Having a new baby, I was allowing more “screen time” than I thought was healthy, and feeling stressed about it, but not knowing how to make sure I could “sleep when baby sleeps” without it. My usual approach to getting him off screens was to come in and say some variation of “Screen time is up. Turn it off.” This was met with laments and protests, and in my fear that he was becoming “screen addicted,” I would usually pull out some threat like, “If you don’t turn it off now, you won’t get a show tomorrow.” And so the power struggle would go.
This time, I went in and decided to try being curious. I sat down next to him and said, “What’s happening in this episode? Did they save the day yet?”
He got all excited and told me about the whole episode. First, I was surprised how much recall he had, and how much he loved every detail of the story. And then I was grateful to have a moment feeling connected with him and seeing him light up. We were on the same team.
I said, “Thanks for telling me about it. It’s going to be time to turn it off when this episode ends. Would you like me to watch the end with you?”
Again, so excited.
We watched the end and he turned it off himself when it ended! Seriously, no fights!
Ok, but this must be an exceptionally agreeable four year old, right?
So I tried being curious the next day with my older kids. Instead of checking out into my own “screen time” while they were playing Minecraft, I said, “Why don’t you guys show me how to play Minecraft?”
They were elated. “Mom, come up here and we’ll help you build a house!”
I sat down to make my dream Minecraft style beach house.
“Ok, mom. Pick a block to use for your flooring.”
“Which one is the flooring block?”
“Any of them, Mom. You just pick one.”
That suggestion felt so funny to me. If you’ve never played Minecraft or watched someone play, you have to know that Minecraft has hundreds of block choices, different elements and colors. I noticed myself desiring to know which block was the “right” block for flooring, partly because that’s my nature, or maybe my conditioning. But I think it was also to just do it “right” the first time, so I could hurry and get it done. But when I entered their world of Minecraft, I had my eyes opened to its appeal for my kids. It’s a limitless world where you get to try all your own ideas. There isn’t a right or wrong way. It's just you figuring out what works and what doesn’t. They have freedom to explore here. We worked on my house for a while and I realized that these kinds of projects take TIME. No, they aren’t “real world” projects so we have a hard time assigning value to them. But they are projects that matter to my kids, just as a Lego project, a drawing, a fort or any other project they are working on has value.
And sure enough, when my husband got home from work, we showed him our progress on the beach house, and then I asked the boys to turn it off so we could get ready for dinner. There was a protest, but this time I knew to be curious.
“What is it that you still wanted to do?” I asked.
“We spent all the time working on your house, so we didn’t get to work on ours.”
I realized this wasn’t any different than if they had said, “We built your Lego idea and so we didn’t get to build ours.” So, more curiosity.
“How long do you think it would take you to finish what you want to do?”
“Well, if we aren’t helping you, probably 15 minutes.” I’m very slow on Minecraft, and I was pretty surprised how fast my kids were at building their ideas using a mouse and keyboard. I knew they could probably really do in 15 minutes what I had done in an hour, even if they are kids and I still didn’t super trust their sense of time.
“Ok,” I said. “15 minutes and then wherever you are at, we need to stop for dinner.”
And in 15 minutes, they turned it off.
Here’s what I think I would have missed had I considered all of this “screen time,” and my job, “screen time monitor”:
Connection with my kids
Seeing them light up about something they love
Watching them use skills they have worked to acquire
My own self-discovery as I try doing something new
A clearer understanding about what my kids are doing so I can better communicate with them about their plans and frustrations
A pretty awesome Minecraft beach house
So if we don’t call it screen time, what terms do we use? You see, when we call it screen time, we put the focus on the screen, which makes it really hard to be intentional with how you use the screen. It would be like calling everything we do with a car, car time, rather than focusing on where the car is taking us. When we see technology as a tool, we can decide what we use that tool for. We put the focus on the value we’re living–sometimes we live that value using technology and sometimes not.
Here are some examples:
On Fridays, we try to foster our social connections and build our community. This can look like playdates at our house where we play video games or board games, play outside or with toys inside. It also looks like park days with our homeschool group or online play dates with our cousins. I talk to friends on Marco Polo or catch up on Instagram posts.
Tuesdays are what we call our Learn and Library day. We listen to audiobooks, look up things we are curious about online, watch YouTube videos about it, or watch documentaries. We also listen to podcasts and watch tutorials about things we are trying to get better at. Sometimes that is a coding project on Scratch, finding out how to download mods on Minecraft, or an episode of Wild Kratts. The question we ask is not, how long can I be on a screen, but what do I want to learn today and how can I learn it?
My favorite day is Talents and Skills on Thursdays. My kids can be involved in anything from piano and ukulele, to creating short animations on Scratch, and drawing on paper or the tablet. Technology in this arena has allowed them to collaborate on some really fun projects including 3D printing, stop motion films, and game making on Roblox. We ask the questions, what do I want to get better at and what new skills do I want to learn?
I often use the mantra, Feed what you want to see grow. And I think it’s true here. Yes, there are some dangers when using the tool of technology. There are dangers with all tools. The best way for kids to learn to use these tools safely is by our side! When I operate from a place of fear, I unintentionally feed what I don’t want to see grow by focusing on it. What I want to see grow in my kids is their self-awareness, their ability to use technology intentionally, their ability to engage in a variety of activities, and their talents and skills as they pursue their own interests and stay true to their values.
So I hope you will try it out in your House of Learning. Stop calling it "screen time" and get curious about what everyone is really doing with the tool of technology. Then try setting some intentions with your family, so you can decide where it's taking you, rather than the screen itself being the destination.
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